Thank you for calling 1-800-SUCIDE.
If you wish to self terminate by electric shock, press one.
For termination by overdose, press two.
If you would like to make a reservation at the end of our drowning pool, please press three.
For termination by hanging, please press four.
For death by self inflicting gunshot, press five.
To speak to a representative, stay on the line.
If you do not wish to die, please hang up now.